Love Askew
by sweet-garbonzo
Summary: All's fair in love and war, and in this story, everyone's fair game! Chaos insues as Eiko hatches a scheme to win Zidane's heart.


****

Love Askew

By Sweet Garbonzo

A/N: This is a fun little story I wrote for a friend of mine (unfortunately, we broke up before I could give it to him ^_^;). Hope you enjoy the craziness!

Zidane was fishing one fine day. The sky was blue and the winds were just right. In reality, Zidane was holding a large stick thinking about the beautiful Dagger. His bait had been stolen long ago. He didn't even know how to fish. He knew how to steal one, but not how to catch one.

Vivi was sitting next to Zidane thinking about how nice Dagger had been to him. And how pretty she was. And how beautiful her voice was. He decided that he was in love. Or maybe just smitten, because Vivi didn't know what love really was. So he decided to be smitten with her.

At that very moment, Zidane decided to make his move. He wasn't going to sit around and wait for Dagger to fall in love with someone else; he was gonna take matters into his own hands. He stood up, strong and valiantly like a hero should, and told Vivi,

"I'm gonna deflower Dagger." Vivi wasn't sure what this meant. He thought boys were supposed to give girls flowers.

"But aren't you-"

"No time, Vivi! I must win fair Dagger's heart." Zidane raced away (what he was racing I'm not quite sure) and Vivi got to his feet.

"I have to deflower her first!" Vivi said to himself. He ran after Zidane, and Quina ate his fishing pole.

Eiko watched from a distance with her loyal moogle, Dogface (what was its name again? I'm calling it Dogface). She glared, concocting a scheme.

"We've got to stop Zidane from winning Dagger's heart, Dogface," she said.

"Kupo!" Dogface replied. Eiko nodded.

"You're right! If Vivi wins Dagger's heart first, then Zidane will have no choice but to fall in love with me! You're a genius, Dogface!"

"Kupo!"

"Shut up Dogface."

*****

He saw her sitting on a set of stairs. She looked deep in thought, but Zidane was sure she was thinking thoughts of him. He slyly sat next to her.

"What happened to our date last night?" He asked coyly. Dagger seemed annoyed but Zidane didn't notice. She decided to humor him.

"What date?" She asked monotonously. He smiled. _The play is about to begin,_ he thought.

"The one where I sweep you off your feet and you fall madly in love." She rolled her eyes at him. He really was immature.

"In your dreams, Zidane."

"I could show you the stuff dreams are made of."

"What's that exactly?" She questioned. He whispered in her ear. Her eyes went wide and she gasped, covering her mouth. Zidane just sat there looking smug. She slapped him with the force of a hurricane. A red handprint was on his face.

"Ow!" He shrieked. She glared.

"You are hideous. Steiner was right. You are a scoundrel!" She left in a hurry, leaving Zidane in the dust.

Vivi, Eiko, and Dogface were watching from the shadows. Vivi held a rose in his hands. He seemed nervous.

"All you gotta do," Eiko told him, "is give her the flower, and she'll be yours!"

"Kup Kupo!" Dogface agreed.

"All right," Vivi reluctantly agreed. He ran off in the direction Dagger had gone. Eiko laughed an evil snicker.

"Zidane will be mine!"  
"Kupo."

"I told you to shut up!"

****

Meanwhile...

"What's all this? Beatrix asked. She was standing in a candlelit room, with rose petals scattered all around. A table for two sat in the center, with Steiner standing next to it.

"Dinner, Officer Beatrix." Steiner bowed, led her to her seat, and sat in his. "The special tonight is chicken alfredo with a side of garlic bread and lovesick fool."

"Oh," Beatrix stammered, "That's very kind of you Steiner." She started her meal, thinking of the note he had given her not too long ago. She smiled sweetly when she noticed Steiner staring at her. He was slurping down his noodles like a hungry dog.

"I have the entire evening planned," he told her. "We're going to the carnival."

"Oh... boy."

*****

"You must be pretty bummed out about Dagger saying no," Eiko said nonchalantly. Zidane nodded his head forlornly.

"I was sure she'd say yes," he replied. She got up and started rubbing his shoulders.

"Let me give you a few pointers," Eiko told him. Dogface started rubbing his feet.

"Number 1: Relax!"  
"Kupo!"  
"That's right. Number 2: No pick up lines. Girls hate that."

"Should I be writing this down?" He asked his professor.

"Just listen!" She told him. "Number 3: Look presentable. Wash your clothes every once in a while. And get the lice out of your hair."

Zidane frowned. "That's breaking Tantalus code, and it's 'Bros before Hos'."

"Kupo!"

"Shut up Dogface!" Eiko kicked the moogle and continued rubbing Zidane's shoulders. "Number 4: Impress her parents."

"She doesn't have any."

"Oh yeah," Eiko said. "Then Number 5 is this: Make her jealous! She won't be able to resist you." She smiled as seductively as any 6-year-old can.

Zidane shook his head. "I don't think she'll go for that."

"Well she doesn't seem to mind Vivi's company." Eiko pointed to Dagger receiving a flower from Vivi. Zidane seethed with rage.

"She's my woman!"

Eiko just smiled.

*****

"That's very sweet of you Vivi!" Dagger smelled her flower. It reminded her of springtime.

"I thought you would like it," Vivi replied shyly. Dagger planted a kiss on his cheek. (?!)

"I really needed it," she told him, "because _someone_ was being a jerk."

"I'll always be nice to you, Dagger," he told her.

"You can't if you're dead!" Zidane yelled as he tackled Vivi. Vivi yelped, shot a ball of fire towards Zidane, and set his clothes on fire. Zidane quickly put the fire out as Eiko joined the group.

"What's going," Dagger asked Zidane?"

"He was trying to seduce you!" Zidane yelled.

"He's a nine-year-old boy, Zidane," Dagger yelled back. Vivi felt very ashamed. How could he think that Dagger would ever like him? He got the urge to leave, so he ran away.

"Vivi!" Dagger shouted. "Come back!" Zidane rolled his eyes.

"Miss your lover boy?"  
"Shut up Zidane! Dagger screeched at him. He backed away. 

"Calm down! It was just a joke."

"I don't care. I'm tired of your 'jokes' Zidane. Give me a call when you grow up!" She walked away, leaving Zidane and Eiko alone. She approached him.

"So," she started. "Since it's just you and me-"

"Go away Eiko."

"But-"

"Go away!" He yelled at her. She started crying, and ran. Zidane sighed.

"Stupid girls..."

****

Meanwhile...

Beatrix held a stuffed teddy bear in her hand. Steiner was holding a stick of cotton candy.

"Thanks for winning me the Care Bear," she told him. He smiled sheepishly.

"It was nothing, I assure you. I am only glad you are enjoying it."

"It was nice of you," she said. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, making his face turn red. Suddenly, one of the Knights of Pluto made an uproar. He held a beer in his hand and whooped.

"Woo! Knights of Pluto rock! Go Adelbert! Yeah! Scoring with the hot chick! Whoop!"

"How dare you!" Steiner replied. "I've a mind to fire you." The drunkard chuckled.

"You can't! I'm in the union." Beatrix rolled her eyes.

"What's your name?" She asked. He smiled stupidly. 

"Fred."

"Ok. Fred shut up."

"Ok."

*****

Amarant could hear sniffling noises. He turned a corner and saw Dagger crying. He shrugged, rolled his eyes, and stood next to her. She turned her head in shame.

"I don't want you to look at me in this condition!" He cupped her chin in his large hand and looked her in the eyes.

"You look fine," he told her. She sighed sweetly. "Listen," he said, "Let's leave these guys in the dust. You and me. We'll go on a vacation. And you can forget that stupid monkey boy."

"Oh! I'd love to!" Dagger replied. "Let's go."

*****

"Dagger!" Yelled Zidane. He ran frantically looking for her, with a wilting rose in his hand. "Dagger, where are you?"

He ran into Vivi, and knocked him over. "Sorry. You haven't seen her, have you?" Vivi was crying. He shook his head, and handed Zidane a note:

Zidane and Co.:

By now you have noticed my absence. I apologize for my sudden departure, 

but Sir Amarant and I are going on holiday. We will not be coming back.

Vivi, grow a face and maybe you'll get the girl. Eiko, good luck with the whole

family thing. Zidane, I hate you. Give Steiner my regards.

Best Wishes,

Princess Garnet Til Alexandros 17th

PS: Amarant says you smell, Zidane. 

Zidane crumbled the note into a wad and threw it away. It drifted with the wind, and Vivi sniffled some more. Zidane put his arm on Vivi's shoulder.

"Just forger her, there are better fish in the sea." Zidane looked at Vivi, and sighed. "Listen little guy," he told him, "Let's go to Lindblum. You can join Tantalus! Baku would love you." He elbowed Vivi in the ribs playfully. "There's lots of pretty girls in the theatre district."

Vivi nodded his head. "Ok!"

****

A few weeks later...

"Hey..." Eiko looked around. "Where's Zidane?"

"Kupo." Eiko kicked the poor old moogle.

"Shut up." The moogle stopped, and Quina ate it. "Hey!" Eiko yelled. Quina spit.

"Yuck. Taste bad. Want more." Quina eyed Eiko. It made a jump for Eiko, and pinned her to the ground.

"Aah!" Eiko yelled.

"Mmm..." Quina said. "Buttery!"

*****

Steiner was flabbergasted. "You're going to have a child?"

"I said I'm going to the library," Beatrix replied. She bit her lip. "But now that you mention it, I'm married."

"What!"

"Yeah. I've got a few kids."

Steiner was shocked. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Beatrix shrugged. "I just forgot. Probably because they're on the Forgotten Continent."

"Oh."

"I still need to go to the library. Come with me." She held out her arm and he reluctantly accepted. "Oh yeah, and I am pregnant."

"Wha..."

"But don't worry; you're not the father."

*****

"See, Vivi," Zidane said, "I told you Lindblum was the ticket." They were in the Tantalus hideout. Zidane was looking over his script with Ruby on his arm.

"Well golly Zidane," Ruby said, "I thought ya'll would never come back. I'm surely glad you did." Vivi was sitting in a corner, trying to learn how to juggle.

"Zidane," Vivi asked, "I still don't know if I exist. Am I just like the black mages? Just a puppet?"

Zidane held his chin in his hands, thinking intently. "Well, Vivi," he replied, "The other black mages were slaves. And you are their king." Vivi smiled.

"You're right!" He shouted. "It all makes sense."

****

The End

Epilogue

Zidane and Ruby got married and continued forming new theatres all over Burmecia. Vivi became King of the pointy hats. Eiko survived with all but an arm, and became popular on the talk show circuit.

Steiner came to terms with Beatrix's promiscuous behavior, and they named their first child after i father, Fred.

And the Princess? Well, Amarant took her to Treno, where the rest of his hos were waiting for him. Dagger became a prostitute and lived happily ever after. 

*****

AN: That's it! Man, that was silly. Review and Flame accordingly. And have a nice day.


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